Dear STAFF,
Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.
______________________________________________________________________________________
TRANSPORTATION :
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
a) If we see you driving a Honda , we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

ANNUAL LEAVE :
Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee).
- They are called SUNDAYs .

LUNCH BREAK :
a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS :
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE :
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

SURGERY :
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

INTERNET USAGE :
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.
- Important Note : Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Roshan D'Mello: Hey Mukesh, there is a bug in your code. Type a text in user name text box and press enter. Beep sound doesn't appear.

Mukesh Thakur: How can that be a bug? There is no requirement that beep sound should come. Anyway, I will assign it to offshore and get it fixed.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur: Roshan, bug is fixed. Please verify.

After another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug because sound is not coming in some PCs. Sound is coming in my machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry is not getting the sound.

After another 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur: Not a bug. I observed that your friend Rajat Choudhry has old IBM machine. Unlike your DELL machine, IBM machines do not have inbuilt speakers. So, to hear the sound in Rajat Choudhry's machine, please use head phones and then get the bug closed soon.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug because sound tone is different across different machines. Sound is coming as 'BEEP' in my machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry who is having IBM machine is getting the sound as 'TONG'.

Mukesh Thakur: Not a bug. Get lost man. What can we do for the bug? The two machines are built in such a way that they produce different sounds. Do you expect the developers to rebuild the IBM processors to make them uniform? Please close it.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug because intensity of beep sound produced on 2 different DELL machines is different. My machine produces beep sound of intensity 10 decibels whereas my friend's machine produces sound worth 20 decibels. Fix your code to make the sound uniform across all machines.

Another 2 days later,

Mukesh Thakur: Once again it is not a bug. I have noticed that the volume set is different on the two machines. Ensure that volume is same in both the machines before I get mad and then close the bug.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug.

Mukesh Thakur: What ?? Why? What more stupid reasons can be there for re-opening?

Roshan D'Mello: Sound intensity is different for machines placed at different locations (different buildings). So, I have re-opened it.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur: I have made some scientists do an acoustical analysis of the two buildings you used for testing. They have observed that the acoustics in the two buildings varies to a large extent. That is why sound intensity is different across the 2 buildings. So, I beg you to please close the bugs.

After 1 year

Roshan D'Mello: I am re-opeing the bug. During the year, I requested the clients to arrange architects to build two buildings with same acoustical features, so that I can test it again. Now, when I tested, I found that intensity of sound still varying. So, I am re-opening the defect.

Mukesh Thakur: GROWLLLL.....I am really mad now. I am sure that the sound waves of the two buildings are getting distorted due to some background noice or something. Now I need to waste time to prove that it is because of background noice.

Roshan D'Mello: No need for that. We will put the machines and run them in vacuum and see.

Three Examinations special

1) Special offer........ Bring a chit on exam day, scratch and show it to your nearest teacher and win free trip to Principal's office and enjoy 3 years vacation at home.

Hurry offer valid until exams only....

2) It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write our exam once (excluding supplementary). Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees.

Say NO to EXAMS

3) Student's declaration at the end of answer paper. It Reminds me of Disclaimer Notices!

"I hereby declare that answers written above r true 2 the best of mine & my friend's knowledge & I claim no responsibility whatsoever 4 any mistakes. Whatever I have written is truly fictitious & any resemblance with the Subject Matter is purely Coincidental."

BASIC SHORTCUT KEYS
Alt + F File menu options in current program
Alt + E Edit options in current program
F1 Universal help (for all programs)
Ctrl + A Select all text
Ctrl + X Cut selected item
Shift + Del Cut selected item
Ctrl + C Copy selected item
Ctrl + Ins Copy selected item
Ctrl + V Paste
Shift + Ins Paste
Home Go to beginning of current line
Ctrl + Home Go to beginning of document
End Go to end of current line
Ctrl + End Go to end of document
Shift + Home Highlight from current position to beginning of line
Shift + End Highlight from current position to end of line
Ctrl + f Move one word to the left at a time
Ctrl + g Move one word to the right at a time

EXCEL® SHORTCUT KEYS
F2 Edit the selected cell
F5 Go to a specific cell
F7 Spell check selected text and/or document
F11 Create chart
Ctrl + Shift + ; Enter the current time
Ctrl + ; Enter the current date
Alt + Shift + F1 Insert new worksheet
Shift + F3 Open the Excel® formula window
Shift + F5 Bring up search box
Ctrl + A Select all contents of worksheet
Ctrl + B Bold highlighted selection
Ctrl + I Italicize highlighted selection
Ctrl + C Copy selected text
Ctrl + V Paste
Ctrl + D Fill
Ctrl + K Insert link
Ctrl + F Open find and replace options
Ctrl + G Open go-to options
Ctrl + H Open find and replace options
Ctrl + U Underline highlighted selection
Ctrl + Y Underline selected text
Ctrl + 5 Strikethrough highlighted selection
Ctrl + O Open options
Ctrl + N Open new document
Ctrl + P Open print dialog box
Ctrl + S Save
Ctrl + Z Undo last action
Ctrl + F9 Minimize current window
Ctrl + F10 Maximize currently selected window
Ctrl + F6 Switch between open workbooks/windows
Ctrl + Page up
& Page Down
Move between Excel® worksheets in the
same document
Ctrl + Tab Move between two or more open Excel® files
Alt + = Create formula to sum all of above cells
Ctrl + ‘ Insert value of above cell into current cell
Ctrl + Shift + ! Format number in comma format
Ctrl + Shift + $ Format number in currency format
Ctrl + Shift + # Format number in date format
Ctrl + Shift + % Format number in percentage format
Ctrl + Shift + ^ Format number in scientific format
Ctrl + Shift + @ Format number in time format
Ctrl + g Move to next section of text
Ctrl + Space Select entire column
Shift + Space Select entire row
Ctrl + W Close document

MICROSOFT® WINDOWS® SHORTCUT KEYS
Alt + Tab Switch between open applications
Alt +
Shift + Tab
Switch backwards between open
applications
Alt + Print
Screen
Create screen shot for current program
Ctrl + Alt + Del Reboot/Windows® task manager
Ctrl + Esc Bring up start menu
Alt + Esc Switch between applications on taskbar
F2 Rename selected icon
F3 Start find from desktop
F4 Open the drive selection when browsing
F5 Refresh contents
Alt + F4 Close current open program
Ctrl + F4 Close window in program
Ctrl + Plus
Key
Automatically adjust widths of all columns
in Windows Explorer
Alt + Enter Open properties window of selected icon
or program
Shift + F10 Simulate right-click on selected item
Shift + Del Delete programs/files permanently
Holding Shift
During Bootup
Boot safe mode or bypass system files
Holding Shift
During Bootup
When putting in an audio CD, will prevent
CD Player from playing

WORD® SHORTCUT KEYS
Ctrl + A Select all contents of the page
Ctrl + B Bold highlighted selection
Ctrl + C Copy selected text
Ctrl + X Cut selected text
Ctrl + N Open new/blank document
Ctrl + O Open options
Ctrl + P Open the print window
Ctrl + F Open find box
Ctrl + I Italicize highlighted selection
Ctrl + K Insert link
Ctrl + U Underline highlighted selection
Ctrl + V Paste
Ctrl + Y Redo the last action performed
Ctrl + Z Undo last action
Ctrl + G Find and replace options
Ctrl + H Find and replace options
Ctrl + J Justify paragraph alignment
Ctrl + L Align selected text or line to the left
Ctrl + Q Align selected paragraph to the left
Ctrl + E Align selected text or line to the center
Ctrl + R Align selected text or line to the right
Ctrl + M Indent the paragraph
Ctrl + T Hanging indent
Ctrl + D Font options
Ctrl + Shift + F Change the font
Ctrl + Shift + > Increase selected font +1
Ctrl + ] Increase selected font +1
Ctrl + Shift + < style="font-weight: bold;">SPECIAL CHARACTERS
a
A
b
B
c
C
d
D
e
E
f
F
g
G
h
H
i
I
j
J
k
K
l
L
m
M
n
N
o
O
p
P
q
Q
r
R
s
S
t
T
u
U
v
V
w
W
x
X
y
Y
z
Z
A
Shift+A
B
Shift+B
C
Shift+C
D
Shift+D
E
Shift+E
F
Shift+F
G
Shift+G
H
Shift+H
I
Shift+I
J
Shift+J
K
Shift+K
L
Shift+L
M
Shift+M
N
Shift+N
O
Shift+O
P
Shift+P
Q
Shift+Q
R
Shift+R
S
Shift+S
T
Shift+T
U
Shift+U
V
Shift+V
W
Shift+W
X
Shift+X
Y
Shift+Y
Z
Shift+Z
1
1
2
2
3
3
4
4
5
5
6
6
7
7
8
8
9
9
0
0
!
Shift+1
@
Shift+2
#
Shift+3
$
Shift+4
%
Shift+5
^
Shift+6
&
Shift+7
*
Shift+8
(
Shift+9
)
Shift+0
,,
..
;;
:
Shift+;
--
//
?
Shift+/
‘‘
“
Shift+’
¡
Alt+0161
¿
Alt+0191
–
Alt+0173
+
Shift+=
2
Alt+0215
÷
Alt+0247
==
±
Alt+0177
<>
Shift+.
[
[
]
]
{
Shift+[
}
Shift+]
‘
Alt+0145
’
Alt+0146
“
Alt+0147
”
Alt+0148
‹
Alt+0139
›
Alt+0155
«
Alt+0171
»
Alt+0187
‚
Alt+0130
„
Alt+0132
—
Alt+0151
~
Shift+`
\\
|
Shift+\
_
Shift+ -
…
Alt+0133
°
Alt+0176
·
Alt+0183
•
Alt+0149
ä
Alt+0228
â
Alt+0226
á
Alt+0225
à
Alt+0224
ã
Alt+0227
å
Alt+0229
ë
Alt+0235
ê
Alt+0234
é
Alt+0233
è
Alt+0232
ï
Alt+0239
î
Alt+0238
í
Alt+0237
ì
Alt+0236
ö
Alt+0246
ô
Alt+0244
ó
Alt+0243
ò
Alt+0242
õ
Alt+0245
ü
Alt+0252
û
Alt+0251
ú
Alt+0250
ù
Alt+0249
Ä
Alt+0196
Â
Alt+0194
Á
Alt+0193
À
Alt+0192
Ã
Alt+0195
Å
Alt+0197
Ë
Alt+0203
Ê
Alt+0202
É
Alt+0201
È
Alt+0200
Ï
Alt+0207
Î
Alt+0206
Í
Alt+0205
Ì
Alt+0204
Ö
Alt+0214
Ô
Alt+0212
Ó
Alt+0211
Ò
Alt+0210
Õ
Alt+0213
Ü
Alt+0220
Û
Alt+0219
Ú
Alt+0218
Ù
Alt+0217
ç
Alt+0231
Ç
Alt+0199
ñ
Alt+0241
Ñ
Alt+0209
ø
Alt+0248
Ø
Alt+0216
ß
Alt+0223
æ
Alt+0230
Æ
Alt+0198
oe
Alt+0156
OE
Alt+0140
ÿ
Alt+0255
Ÿ
Alt+0159
ª
Alt+0170
º
Alt+0186
¨
Alt+0168
ˆ
Alt+0136
´
Alt+0180
``
˜
Alt+0152
¯
Alt+0175
¸
Alt+0184
£
Alt+0163
¥
Alt+0165
ƒ
Alt+0131
¢
Alt+0162 Alt+0164
©
Alt+0169
®
Alt+0174
™
Alt+0153
‰
Alt+0137
µ
Alt+0181
§
Alt+0167
†
Alt+0134
‡
Alt+0135
¶
Alt+0182

Adolscent from india whose height is only 58cms. Jyoti amge is 14 years old and she is shorter than average 2year old child. She weighs only 5 kg.

Once someone asked me,
'What is the secret behind your happy married life?'
I said, 'You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other.
Then there will be absolutely no problems.'
The person asked, 'Can you explain?'
I said, 'In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my
wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's
decisions.' Still not convinced, the person asked me 'Give me some examples'
I said, ' Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount
to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner,
refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are
decided by my wife. I just agree to it' The person asked, 'Then what is
your role?' I said, 'My decisions are only for very big issues. Like,
whether Musharraff should stay in the power or not, whether America
should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe,
whether to widen the African economy, whether Shahid Afridi should retire
etc etc.
And, would you believe, my wife NEVER objects to any of my decisions'.

Before Marriage...

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!


After marriage...

Simply read from bottom to top.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!

Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."